Jeanne: Why I Don’t Write Erotica

Neckties

This post is supposed to be my monthly progress update, but:

  • My web developer is on vacation, so my website is on hold.
  • I’m neck deep in revisions to my first demon book based on the feedback I got from my editor, Karen Dale Harris.
  • I’m also trying to rethink the plot of the second demon book and wrap my head around the premise for the third. So, lots of  in-progress, just nothing completed to crow about.

So, instead, I’ll share the problems I run into when I write too sexy for my style….

Recently, I tried to write a scene where Jake and Taylor, the H/H of my Contemporary work-in-progress, play out a little bondage scene. They’ve just been to dinner at the home of Taylor’s boss, a real estate developer who’s trying to take Jake’s land by whatever means necessary. Jake dislikes him very much, On the other hand, Jake likes Taylor a lot, so he not only goes to dinner and behaves (reasonably) well, but even goes out and buys a dress shirt and tie for the occasion.

Why would he do all that? Because he was promised “positive reinforcement” for good behavior. While he was out shopping, he picked up some extra ties for just this reward. Taylor’s kind of a control freak, so allowing someone else to have that much control is a big step for her.

Sexy and fun, right?

Not as much as you’d think. Instead of a sex scene, it turned into a story problem: If Jake has four ties, one king-sized hotel bed and a 5’7″ girlfriend, will he be able tie her to the bed?

Let’s do the math:
Width of King Size bed (76″/ 2 = 38″) + Height of mattress and box springs (23″)  = 61″

Taylor’s arm span (58″/2 = 29″) – length of her hand (7″) = 22″

61″ – 22″ = 39″ to tie down one wrist.

Length of an average tie: 62″

62″ – 39″ = 23″  That gives us 23″ of fabric to wrap around her wrists and the bed legs.

23″ / 2 = 11.5″

Her wrists are probably 7″ in diameter (Mine are 6″ and they may be the smallest adult female wrists on the planet. Why couldn’t that micro-sizing affect my hips instead?)

Assuming that the bed legs are no thicker than Taylor’s wrists, that allows us 4″ of cloth to make each knot. Doable, although the wide end of the tie will probably have to be folded vertically to make it work.

A king size bed is 80 inches long, approximately 13 inches longer than Taylor is tall, so he’ll need another 13 inches to bind her ankles.

So now he’s going to need 6 ties instead of 4. Unfortunately, Jake’s not much of a planner. I can’t see him figuring all this out ahead of time.

At this point, my really hot sex scene kind of collapsed on itself.

At this is why I can’t write erotica: there’s too much math.

22 thoughts on “Jeanne: Why I Don’t Write Erotica

  1. Love this! Can you turn all that math into a comedy scene–Jake didn’t figure out the details ahead of time so things don’t work as planned?? I can almost picture his poor crestfallen face when he realises his positive reinforcement isn’t going to happen 😉

  2. What could also make it funny is if he did the math right, so the ties are long enough (maybe he picked them up in the “big and tall” section), but there are no feet on the bed. I find that in a lot of hotels nowadays. It’s just a platform. Nothing to tie to!

  3. That whole book us pretty short on humor, which is probably why, even though it’s won a couple of contests, I don’t love it. This may be just the thing to rescue it from the scrap heap.

  4. That’s an interesting twist. One conflict in the romance is that she’s a planner and he’s a shoot-from-the-hip kind of guy. This scene occurs maybe 3/4 of the way through, so he could well be trying to impress her that he’s absorbed some planning skills, only to fail. It could be funny, but also foreshadow that there’s still trouble ahead.

  5. LOLOL, this is hilarious. For me, the obvious approach would be to ask my husband, “Hey, want to help me do some sex scene research? You get the hotel, I’ll buy the ties.”

    I’ve been in two hotel rooms over the last ten days, though, and can anecdotally confirm Justine’s suspicions: no feet to the bed. However, if you make it a bed and breakfast, you may find all sorts of places to tie one on, so to speak.

    I think, though, that your girls are trying to tell you No to this sex scene as planned. They must want something else. I love the love scene thwarted by the math — and then maybe Taylor makes a big step in the relationship in some other way rather than giving up control of her body. Giving up control of her body really is a huge step. Sharing control? I’m not even sure what I mean by that in erotic terms. Something to think upon.

    • Thanks for the insights! You always have such an original take on things. Right now, Jake and Taylor are not on the critical path for getting three paranormal romances out next year, but it’s all stuff to think about when I come back to them.

    • I can see Taylor going along with silk ties (maybe) but not duct tape. Although he could just use the duct tape as an extender….

      The next time I write one of these scenes, I’m going to brainstorm it in here BEFORE I start writing. You all have great ideas!

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